tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-42535874884857858532024-03-05T17:27:56.515+10:30The Satire 'Keeping the nation misinformed'The following articles are purely fictitious satire and in no way, shape, or form, represent the views or opinions of any people mentioned.The Satirehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13011962421963428989noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4253587488485785853.post-89800731727020273452008-08-12T21:40:00.002+09:302008-08-12T22:11:25.254+09:30NEWSFLASH: Supermarkets Exist to Make MoneyIn a startling insight into the Australian Grocery Industry, The Satire has revealed some startling insights into this startling drama, that startled The Satire.<br /><br />How The Satire broke the story earlier today (then reprinted it as a source for another story to give both stories more credibility by referencing each other):<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Key players in the grocery industry today revealed information the ACCC has failed to find after investigating for a staggering 150 days (or a few months if you want a more neutral, not-blown-out-of-proportion figure).<br /><br />Despite not coming up with anything conclusive about the alleged "evil" practices of the "Big Two" supermarkets Coles and Woolworths, exclusive anonymous sources from the retail sector have exclusively given The Satire information that we will now exclusively reveal to readers.<br /><br />An interview with Mr X (did you know that's how journalists get quotes and information from sources?) yesterday by The Satire (did you know that's the name of this newspaper, where this article appears in?) confirmed the fears of many Australian shoppers.<br /><br />Cunning practices such as the price of milk increasing 30 per cent in a month, or HomeBrand Wheat Bran increasing from 34c to 37c over an eight-week period, have finally been linked to the "obvious" practice of profit-seeking, Mr X claims.<br /><br />"Isn't it clear to everyone? Prices have increased because supermarkets want to make money. When things become more expensive, supermarkets rise prices to compensate," Mr X said.<br /><br />But one shopper, Tyra-Jade Lee, said that this didn't explain why some products had such a high mark-up.<br /><br />"But, like, when I go to buy, like, milk, it cost (sic) me $3.00 for a 2L carton of Light Start and now it costed (sic) me $4.70!" Ms Lee exclaimed when we spoke to her on the street the other day when scrambling around for a quote from an "expert".<br /><br />Mr X said these claims only support his evidence.<br /><br />"Supermarkets place massive mark-ups on products such as 1KG cheese or Vegemite because they know people will be stupid enough to buy it, which will result in larger sales," Mr X exclusively said during an exclusive interview late yesterday afternoon.<br /><br />"Just like cigarettes, but nobody ever complains about the price of those!"<br /><br /><br /></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">HAVE YOUR SAY</span><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span>in our poll* below:</span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"> - Do you believe it is unrealistic in the current dire global economic crisis a company should charge more so it doesn't go bankrupt?<br />- Or would you prefer to never be able to buy groceries any more?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">*Disclaimer: This poll contains loaded questions that will give results favouring our biased point of view (because we are telling you how to think) and will only be answered by about 200 people, which we will then lead you to believe is representative of Australia.</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"></span><span style="font-style: italic;"></span>The Satirehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13011962421963428989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4253587488485785853.post-80038741724457254932008-08-09T20:05:00.003+09:302008-08-09T20:17:25.597+09:30Mr Adventure #2: with the Go-Footy GuySo I was out at Priceline the other day, right, and a terrifying ordeal occurred. Youse guys can probs relate. After a quick impulse buy in the "family planning" aisle (it's hard to find the XLs), I was shocked to discover my fave hair gel was not there. I asked the chick at the counter (and got her number of course fellas) and she said they "might" be in next week. Next week? NEXT WEEK??? How could I survive a WHOLE week without wearing 10kg of gel everyday?<br /><br />Then I discover there's no peroxide. OMG to the max. I seriously considered not goin' to footy practice. All the guys would just laugh at me, turning up in my brown coloured, dry, flat hair. I tried to explain this to girl, and suggested we discuss it later over a Corona at Boho. She accepted, of course. But I digress. So, after the hair "incident", I headed over to the mall to buy a pink tee for me mates 21st. Luckily, success at the clothes rack kind of made me forget about my earlier issues. There it was. The perfect pink tee, complete with random writing, for just $500. I mean, why not? It's how much I spend on my hair every month...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4253587488485785853.post-71948283142238105242008-08-07T23:17:00.002+09:302008-08-07T23:24:20.870+09:30REVIEW: the All-New 6WDEver wondered what it would be like to once again be better than "the commoners"? Do you often feel like you should have a bigger, stronger, more important presence on the roads? Are there times when you wish you could tow your boat AND your caravan to your Gold Coast penthouse while dropping Bella and Octavius at school?<br /><br />Well. Say 'konnichiwa' to the 6WD. That's right folks. 6. Wheel. Drive.<br /><br />More power, agility, and breadth than a 4WD. With all-new "ViewObstruct VR2" technology this car has something for everyone. Popping down to the shops just round the corner? Why walk when you could now take up three carparks with just the one car? Talk about value and efficiency.<br /><br />And at a premium price of $1m, there's sure to be not too many other 6WDs on the road to get in your way. With a record-breaking 342 drink holders and ten flat-screen, surround sound TVs, what's not to love?<br /><br />6WD...Watch out kiddies.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4253587488485785853.post-45942436987231723462008-08-07T22:57:00.004+09:302008-08-09T20:00:24.591+09:30REVIEW: The Caterwalling Diva "Spirit"At last, a singer of such outstanding ability to match Mariah Carey's interesting interpretation of singing. The music industry has long awaited another reality-show export to saturate the world with their songs steeped in the honey that is sweet sweet commercialism.<br /><br />Of course, I am talking about none other than Leona "will she be more than a two-hit wonder?" Lewis. With a name that sounds more like an Icelandic skeetshooter than a British singer, Ms Lewis has probably broken many windows with her impeccable vocal range. A sing-off between Lewis and Carey could certainly reach nuclear levels.<br /><br />On the face of it, Spirit is just another commercially-produced, emotionless whine, but when you (or if you can last) peeling through the many "deep" layers of Lewis, you may find some interesting melodies, or at least "caramel notes". Alternatively, if "smooth, fruity notes<br /> are more your thang, save yourself some time and buy some beer instead.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4253587488485785853.post-67370628756817600552008-08-07T22:42:00.000+09:302008-08-07T22:43:25.453+09:30Mr Adventure with the Go(nad) Guy #1: Girls and stuff<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Arial;">All guys will agree with me on this one.<span style=""> </span>How many of you have tried to check yourself out in the reflection of a pub window, only to be interrupted by some girl trying to get your attention?<span style=""> </span>Girls, thanks for trying, but we are more interested in ourselves.<span style=""> </span>This should be clear to you after reading my column, and meeting numerous guys like me out on the town.<span style=""> </span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoBodyText">Okay, here’s a scenario that I’m sure most well-groomed and self-obsessed men will relate to – you have just got your drink from the bar, an expensive import such as Corona if you are a real man, and you saunter (not walk, real men don’t just ‘walk’) over to a suitable window perch, preparing for an enjoyable night of reflection checking and laughing at the appropriate moments with your like-minded mates.<span style=""> </span>Then (here’s where the ladies need to pay attention), a couple of girls will approach us.<span style=""> </span>I don’t blame them, I’m a very attractive male specimen.<span style=""> </span>They will proceed to strike up a conversation, saying something clearly uninteresting such as “I noticed you from across the bar, want to dance?” or, the instant turn-off for me “I think you’re gorgeous, come and make out with me around the corner”.<span style=""> <br /></span></p><p class="MsoBodyText"><span style=""></span>Why girls why?!? Can’t you see I’m enjoying some time by myself?<span style=""> </span>Why come over to me and dangle the prospect of a relationship? This is not something that any real man wants! Honestly, I don’t mean to offend, but what real man would be attracted to a woman who wants to spend quality time with, which would clearly rob him of the opportunity to spend time out with his mates revelling in his own attractiveness?</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Arial;"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Arial;">NEXT WEEK – why ‘jock’ and ‘pretty boy’ are such misused and inaccurate descriptors.<o:p></o:p></span></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4253587488485785853.post-80115055888600052452008-08-07T22:39:00.002+09:302008-08-07T22:42:20.534+09:30Upcoming rapper bucks industry music video trend<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Arial;">In a daring and potentially career-ruining move, rapper/MC/hip-hop artist/singer <b>No IQ </b>has worn a shirt in one of his own music videos.<span style=""> </span><br /><br />Often revered as a ‘daring’ or ‘cavalier’ artist, No IQ has undoubtedly taken the biggest risk of his short, but successful career.<span style=""> </span><br /><br />No African-American rapper has ever worn a shirt in a film clip before.<span style=""> </span>MTV spokesman Jim Friedman confirmed this yesterday noon before yesterday afternoon <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Arial;"><span style=""></span>“Damn! No IQ man, I mean, he’s just…well, I mean, I think it’s pretty obvious to everyone except him that this has potentially ruined his career! I mean man, what was he thinking!?! No-one wears a shirt in a rap video!” Friedman said.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Arial;">No IQ’s contemporaries also echoed Friedman’s comments.<span style=""> </span><br /><br />50 Cent was overheard saying “What a fool! A cat knows shirtin’ in a shoot is bustin’ a cap in yo green!”<span style=""> </span>(editor note: no-one actually quite knows what 50 Cent means, but his tone indicated he supported Friedman’s comments).<span style=""> </span><br /><br />The Satire was lucky to catch up with Kanye West as he left the set of his new video (note: Mr West was not wearing a shirt).<span style=""> </span>Mr West voiced his concern over the decline in the quality of rap videos<br /><br />“Back a few years, every video clip had shirtless bros, clothes-less ho’s, mean looking cars,” Mr West said, shaking his head in disbelief (or it could be due to neck stress from wearing 15kg of gold chains around his neck)<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Arial;">”No IQ has just confirmed my worst fears, I knew this would happen one day!”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Arial;">The Satire, along with Mr West, ponders the decline in rap video quality and wonders “what next?” – will the pop charts be flooded with artists such as Missy Higgins, Coldplay and the like stealing the spotlight from artists with actual talent, such as the Pussycat Dolls?<o:p></o:p></span></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4253587488485785853.post-22430509862322182842008-08-07T22:17:00.003+09:302008-08-09T20:25:17.080+09:30Face-up: How the Modern-day Supermarket is Misleading the Public<span style="font-style: italic;font-size:85%;" >*Warning: This article contains a segue into blatant self-promotion of The Satire, by The Satire</span><br /><br />Today an exclusive report by an industry insider, obtained by The Satire, has revealed just how sinister "super"markets truly are.<br /><br />The Australian Face-Up Police (AFP) today sought to bring justice to the Coles-Woolworths duopoly by shedding light on what they referred to as "the most devious thing since coin-operated trolleys".<br /><br />Dr Brenda Neilson, chairman of the AFP, said what they had uncovered was an "utterly disgraceful" practice she would seek to ban through a submission to the ACCC.<br /><br />"Face-up", the traditional practice of pulling all products to the front of a shelf to make it look full, is performed by up to 80% of retailers, the AFP investigation revealed yesterday evening after being obtained by The Satire.<br /><br />Dr Neilson said the impact on consumers was "just mindblowing".<br /><br />"When I went around Australia asking working families about things, this was one of the key things they were, like, interested in?" Neilson said.<br /><br />"They were particularly outraged when I told them about how the naughty supermarkets made their shelves appear full."<br /><br />"One consumer likened it to ripping out his heart, then impaling it on a Welsh Sub-Prime Credit Crisis," an outraged Neilson said.<br /><br />CEO of one of "The Big Two", Mr Wool Worths (of Woolworths), said it was a simple practice to make their shops "look nicer and junk".<br /><br />Coles Community Liaison Officer, Chastity Bryce the 4th, was unavailable for comment, so we asked some lowly G-grade celebrity for comment:<br /><br />"I just, like, really wanna like, just go to the shopz, and just, you know, buy some groceries?" 21-year-old Nail Technician and part-time Neighbours extra Leesa said.<br /><br />Speaking of Leesa, which starts with an L, which is the 12th letter of the alphabet, which if you then divide by six to get the 2nd letter of the alphabet - B - is the first letter in the words BEIJING OLYMPICS!<br /><br />TURN TO PAGE 4 FOR AN EXCLUSIVE 15-PAGE LIFTOUT ON THE 2008 OLYMPIC GAMES!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4253587488485785853.post-67705783983422282302007-05-19T01:16:00.000+09:302007-06-04T09:49:36.748+09:30Coles to roll out new branding schemeIn a recent move to increase sales, Coles Supermarkets has decided to produce additional home brands. The new brands, "You'll definitely love Coles", "We're sure you'll love coles" and "Coles-Savings-Farmland-Smart Buys" will hit stores early next week.<br /><br />Currently Coles offers shoppers the choice of Coles, Coles Farmland, Farmland, Farmland Coles, Coles Persona, Savings, Coles Savings, Smart Buys, Coles Smart Buys, Bi-Lo, and most importantly You'll Love Coles.<br /><br />The new branding system is reportedly designed for overall ease of consumer understanding and knowledge. Coles Group CEO John Fletcher commented late last night that "It's about simplifying our brand by creating a diversity of brandings. It's really that simple."<br /><br />The new variations on the "you'll love coles" theme will help streamline consumer awareness. Consumers will be able to understand just how much they will enjoy the product they are purchasing.<br /><br />Keith, father of two, says "I just love Coles chocolate cookies - they're rich and choco-licious", and Ben, full of beans, comments that "Coles baked beans make me go go go - they're bean-riffic!". If these comments - from obviously credible sources - are anything to go by, these new Coles products are destined to be successful.<br /><br />Coles opposition leader Mr Wool Worths stated early last morning that "this is simply an attempt by Coles to undermine and copy Woolworths' products" and that "the products are clearly a copy of our 'Select' brand."<br /><br />Mr Imakeatoomuch Money from the ACCC (Aus Coles Consumer Consultation) group said that the public had responded positively to Coles' last re-branding scheme of simply changing the packaging of products and increasing the price. "Being able to pay $3.79 and read an assessment by an authoritative figure for a product instead of paying $1.50 for exactly the same product in a different packet is definitely an advantage," Mr Money said.<br /><br />IGA Managing Director Mr Ova Charge was outraged over the increase in prices, alleging that Coles must be paying people to say positive things about their products, and that this is why they (the new brands) are more expensive. "They are using pay-offs to generate positive publicity!" Mr Charge exclaimed.<br /><br />Mr Fletcher rejected this claim, stating that people freely offer their opinions on their products, and that Coles selects the best comments for publishing on its product labels. "Mention 'love' or 'coles' in your description and your halfway there!" Mr Fletcher joked.<br /><br />Despite differing opinions on the new product brands, Coles is certainly striving to Love Fresh (despite grammatical issues with this slogan that contains no object or subject) with its Innovative Relabelling Scheme (IRS). Will the IRS succeed? Find out next time on Inside Shopper.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">The Satire, Mother of Two and Yogurt Fanatic </span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4253587488485785853.post-71764849905749823192007-05-18T23:41:00.001+09:302008-08-12T21:35:49.785+09:30Rolling News<span style="font-style: italic;font-size:180%;" ><s style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:10;">Promoting </span></s></span><span style="font-style: italic;">Introducing The Satire's exclusive column, 'Rolling News': a snapshot of the news from around Australia!!!!</span><br /><br />Footballer resists urge to brawl during an AFL match<br /><br />BigBrother housemate asks "d'ya know what i mean?"<br /><br />'Smoking kills': smoker<br /><br />Kevin Rudd + Joe Hockey Sunrise single goes Platinum<br /><br />Howard jealous of Rudd's dance with Kerri-Anne - Howard rearing up for the Can-Can next week<br /><br />Outrage as shopper takes thirteen items through '12-items-or-less' lane<br /><br />Is Yoghurt the new cocaine?<br /><br />MySpace community shocked after member's page does not contain 'lol'<br /><br />Consumers complain over extremely low prices for bananas and petrol<br /><br />Supermarkets decide to sell everything free to stop customers whinging about the cost of groceries<br /><br />No objections or criticisms voiced over new Government initiative<br /><br />Labor MP responds to Howard's allegation that Labor is 'in cahoots' with the Unions: "Yeah...and?"<br /><br />Cricketers realise that giving up part of their exorbitant salaries to not play in Zimbabwe is better than possibly giving up their life to play in Zimbabwe.<br /><br />George Bush decides to follow Tony Blair's footsteps and retire, much to the dismay of international community<br /><br />Australian journalist pronounces 'Kyoto Protocol' properly<br /><br />Sandra Sully to host new reality show: 'How to speak as if reading the news whenever possible (HTSAIRTNWP for ease of use)'<br /><br />Seven buys rights to new show 'Pretty Betty' before realising most of its shows are based on those principles anyway<br /><br />American comedy 'My Name is Earl' puzzles viewers by not including canned laughter to indicate when to laugh...until noticing there are no places to laugh<br /><br />Australian Idol sixth-place-runner-up releases bad single that manages to reach Platinum<br /><br />Australian Idol winner writes own music and lyrics for all songs on their album<br /><br />Darryl Sommers decides to talk half as much whilst hosting Dancing with the Stars<br /><br />Big Brother 25 in production...<br /><br />Kiefer Sutherland returns for a tenth heart-stopping, loud-panting sequel to 24<br /><br />BBC to release new doco-drama on 14th Century English Medieval medium-sized Castle Moat Algae, a ten-part series hosted by David Attenborough<br /><br />High quality Aussie soap star wins Gold Logie, Australia's 'most prestigious TV awards', and life goes on<br /><br />Better Homes & Gardens presenter Rob cuts finger while sawing wood, Craft Specialist fetches him some material to stop the flow, Cook boils him up some chamomile tea which Gardner Graeme Ross has shown us how to grow, while Interior-Designer paints a room for Rob to rest in while he recovers<br /><br />Food & Hospitality industry expert reveals : Food Presentation is all about how we present food<br /><br />Disney produce film about a young character going through a ninety-minute journey that represents the 'trials and tribulations' of the everyday world<br /><br />Today Tonight features life-changing material entitled 'Salt: A Special Report'<br /><br />Coles stores to be rebranded as 'Buy-low' to increase profit<br />Coles stores to be rebranded as 'Coles: The Fresher Food People' to increase profit<br /><br />Jessica Simpson still confused over tuna: 'so is it chicken or fish?'<br /><br />Victoria to move to Category 438 water restrictions<br /><br />Ansett decide to have a go at buying out Qantas<br /><br />Popular bookshops such as Angus & Robertson and Borders rebel by deciding to price all their books below their RRP<br /><br />Swimming commentator asks insightful question to gold medal winner: 'how do you feel?'<br /><br />Dell manufactures a good computer<br /><br />Football executives upset over poor crowd turnout: 'now our salary is only $5m a year'<br /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">The Satire</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4253587488485785853.post-90577095141390868332007-03-30T14:29:00.000+09:302007-03-30T14:41:00.903+09:30Inside Shopper: Is Helga's Traditional Wholemeal Bread Really Traditional?<p class="MsoNormal">A recent study has shown that Helga’s Traditional Wholemeal Bread (TWB) is not actually traditional. Shoppers are dismayed that they could be so blatantly lied to and are demanding compensation from Helga’s.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">The report, not gained under Freedom of Information laws, and rather by Invasion of Privacy laws, states that on average Helga’s TWB only contains 0.1% ‘Tradition’.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Helga’s in retaliation stated that the ‘tradition’ food additive #921, in fact, did not appear anywhere in the ingredients list, so they insist they never made a false claim that Helga’s bread contained ‘tradition’.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">‘It’s merely a market trend,’ commented Helga Horace, CEO of Helga’s Bread (owned by News Ltd), that ‘increases sales revenue as stupid consumers buy bread if it has the word traditional in the title’. ‘It’s not our mistake, it’s the consumers’.</p><br />So, how safe is bread? Is there a militant operative waiting inside an ordinary loaf to attack unsuspecting consumers, or is just nonsense resulting from an increased fear of terrorist attacks? We turn to the Australian Bread Corporation (ABC) for answers in an exclusive interview late last yesterday night: <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Satire</span>: What is the ABC’s position on the Helga’s Scandal?</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-weight: bold;">ABC</span>: Look, I don’t think that’s the question you should be asking me. We at the ABC believe in Freedom of Bread, and choose to follow the Yeast Agreement. These documents state that no bread, or bread producer – referred to as a ‘baker’ by us professionals – can come under scrutiny for falsifying ingredients in bread.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Satire</span>: So what is the ABC’s position on the Helga’s Scandal?</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-weight: bold;">ABC</span>: In a recent study by MightySoft (~White is Mighty Soft~), it has revealed that overall consumer satisfaction in bread is currently at 102.3%, out of a maximum of 102.31%, which we think is pretty extraordinary.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Satire</span>: What are the ABC’s views on the Helga’s scandal?</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-weight: bold;">ABC</span>: ~Mmm mmmm Molenburg~</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Satire</span>: What are the ABC’s views on the Helga’s scandal…<br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:85%;" >(for a full copy of this interview text ‘helga’ to 193 193 193)</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Helga’s will re-label its bread “Helga’s Not-Necessarily-Traditional Wholemeal Bread" towards the end of next week. ‘Sheesh!’ a Helga’s staff member exclaimed, ‘next they’ll be after us for putting ‘whole’ in the title’. </p><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Helga’s Not-Necessarily-Traditional Wholemeal Bread is available from all ABC shops, ABC centres, and ABC retailers.</span></span> <p style="font-weight: bold;" class="MsoNormal">Tomorrow on Inside Shopper: Facing Up – How Supermarkets Trick Us into Thinking Their Shelves are Full – and how you can avoid it.</p> <p style="font-weight: bold;" class="MsoNormal">And tune in to Inside Shopper on Sunday for: Why buy Homebrands when you can buy Mansionbrands?</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4253587488485785853.post-60105229522148108582007-03-30T14:24:00.000+09:302007-03-30T14:43:34.445+09:30Hullabaloo: The Grandstand<span style=";font-family:";font-size:10;" ><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Hullabaloo is a weekly column that examines the most recent uproar in South Australia. This week we focus on the Grandstand in Victoria Park.<br /><br /></span></span></span> <p class="MsoNormal">There has been much controversy surrounding plans to build a massive 245-metre grandstand in the Adelaide Parklands, however as the Satire reveals, the media have only barely scratched the surface.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">It seemed like an innocent plan at first, the Government wanting to replace an old, decrepit grandstand with a shiny new one. Then it was leaked, exclusively, in early stages of the initiative, that the Government was merely suggesting the plan to shift attention away from the North Terrace Tram fiasco.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></p> <p style="font-weight: bold;" class="MsoNormal">The Key Players:</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-style: italic;">Mike Rann</span><br />‘I mean, why would we extend a tramline along the busiest streets in the Adelaide CBD? You wouldn’t, it’s a stupid idea. We just like to use lots of money to make it look like we’re doing something. That's why this new Grandstand thing is fantastic!’ SA Premier Mikey Rann said yesterday. Ranny-boy was also quick to state that the plan ‘does NOT have anything to do with the SAJC or the Clipsal car-thing that turns our city into a mess for a month’.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-style: italic;">The South Australian Jockey Club</span><br /><span style=""> </span>The SAJC, however, revealed that they play a part in the scheme. SAJC president Horace Horsham mentioned in a private press release that he had paid the Government ‘a significant amount of money’ to ensure that the club had lovely new facilities for their four races a year. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-style: italic;">Clipsal 500 People</span><br />Feeling excluded, the Clipsal 500 race organisers declared that they too have invested to ensure that a permanent grandstand be built to ‘stop the unnecessary hassle of having to build temporary grandstands’ and ‘prevent road closures’ during the Clipsal 500.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-style: italic;">Grant Denyer</span><br />Grant D, Channel Seven’s cheesy weather reporter and spokesman for any motor sport issue, was quick to point out that the permanent grandstand was a fantastic idea for South Australia, and would ‘certainly’ put Adelaide on the map. One Adelaide resident highlighted, exclusively, that ‘it is already on the map you idiot, and always has been’. Another keen anti-Clipsal source contradicted Denyer, saying that ‘thanks to the Clipsal, Adelaide is already on the map – as a town full of drunken yobbo’s’</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-style: italic;">Psychics Incorporated</span><br />In documents leaked to the Satire under the Leaking of Confidential Information Act, Mike R had commissioned a report by psychics to reveal what would be the future of Victoria Park to decide which way he would swing on the issue. </p> <p class="MsoNormal">The psychics discovered that the race track will actually be built underneath the Racecourse and the Parklands to avoid any traffic issues, and to prevent people watching the race. </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Psychics Inc. also stated that commercial media giant Foxtel would hold rights to the race to ensure that only a small number of Adelaideans had to suffer the angst of watching the races for four consecutive days. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-style: italic;">Kevin Foley</span><br />Kevin F rejects claims that one grandstand for VIP’s along the finish line does not prevent the construction of many others along other sections of the track, and wishes the public would ‘mind their own business’. Foley released plans to the Satire, exclusively under the Releastion Laws and the Making-up New Words Amendment, that summarise his motion that the Clipsal 500 should be extended to four months to ensure adequate use of the Grandstand to justify its construction. He is currently stretching his thumbs, ready for another ‘thumbs-down’ posed photo late tomorrow.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-style: italic;">Minister for Employment</span><br />The SA Shadow Minister for Employment complained that once the Grandstand was built, hundreds of workers would lose their three-month job a year of ‘erecting promptly and taking down really slowly’ the temporary grandstands. He rejects claims that the slow dismantling of the grandstands are simply a ploy to keep unemployment levels low, ‘there’s just no reason to take them down as quickly, it’s not as if the temporary grandstands are intrusive to the public’.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-style: italic;">Adelaide Convention Centre</span><br />The ACC has been involved in the planning of the grandstand for some time, although the media have not been able to find the reasons for their involvement. Luckily, quality print media the Satire, can reveal that the ACC have in fact been helping to draw designs for an extension of their vast underground kitchen network to reach the proposed Grandstand from North Terrace. Transport MP Patrick Conlon also commented that this could be aided by the addition of an incredibly useful subway network linking North Terrace to the new ‘place-to-be’ Victoria Park.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-style: italic;">AFL</span><br />The AFL has highlighted that if it so happens that the grandstand is incorporated into a new “Victoria Park Oval” to enable access for a wider community, then it would certainly back the proposal. Alternatively, if the Government refused to accept this proposal, the AFL said it would instead insist on a bullet-train installation from the Adelaide CBD to West Lakes Footy Park.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-style: italic;">Eastern Suburbs Residents</span><br />‘The grandstand is an atrocity that will prevent us from viewing the magnificent vibrant Parklands from our three-story villas. If they’re going to eradicate the old grandstand, they might as well demolish the whole Racecourse to allow for a private tunnel connecting the Eastern Suburbs to the CBD’.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-style: italic;">Lord Mayor Michael Harbison</span><br />‘What Grandstand?’</p><br /><p class="MsoNormal">Clearly, the Grandstand issue is very controversial, and will continue to create a gigantic hullabaloo in Adelaide until they just build the bloody thing.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Next week in Hullabaloo: The Government Hiding Wheelie Bins in Speed Cameras, and how you can avoid them</span> </p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4253587488485785853.post-76347102912422956972007-03-29T22:24:00.000+09:302007-03-29T22:43:13.731+09:30Exclusive: Briney Grief Swamps LocalsLocals have become disheartened after a local Bi-Lo store removed their sardines from its shelves. The 'dines of the sar' variety, that used to only cost 26 cents, have been replaced by the funky new "You'll Love Coles" sardines, in a trend that will boost sales by $250m*.<br /><span style="font-size:78%;">*More details in our "Financial Fiasco's" on Saturday, enabled by Freedom of Saturday Laws.</span><br /><br />"They just don't have the same flavour," local resident Manuella DaVinci commented. "I've been buying them for fifteen years, despite only living in Australia for two, and will sorely miss those salty sea creatures." (alliteration added by the Satire for better affect)<br /><br />Australia's own Adelaide-residing Chong Liew (with his very traditional Australian name) however, rejects claims that the Bi-Lo Brand Sardines held any value. "Mmm, yes. Quite a spot of nothing, really" he mumbled in his old Victorian accent.<br /><br />Controversy has surrounded whether Mario, keen fisherman, 's statement "Superbly fresh and vibrant" holds any validity. Luckily, the Satire has unveiled an exclusive new column that will review foods that can be eaten at your own home (yes, indeed) in our special T'riffic Tuesday Edition - look out for a personal review of the sardines by Tony Lurv on Tuesday.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:85%;" >You'll Love Coles! Sardines are currently available at all leading WoolWorths stores for 47 cents, but Coles would like to reiterate that Coles is NOT more expensive than Bi-Lo. It just seems that way. "And in any case, if Coles products do have a slight difference in price it allows us to place value-added words in front of everything".</span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Tomorrow in Inside Shopper: Is Helga's Traditional Wholemeal Bread Really Traditional?</span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4253587488485785853.post-73900523285516337262007-03-29T21:37:00.000+09:302007-03-29T22:51:45.802+09:30Aussie commentator pronounces Japanese name correctly<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-SMA45UwcQ5lzQK-mUGt4skSFxQZ2k-VKetR5tXrtvrPxfBbzLdV6gU5fWfGF3VPfoalym_O-yHd_-B48dJsGLRRBVj7_Mqt-YAzoVD9aMwm0OSPeXgcxAtVfIOtiS-iQML-GcWI6ZY0/s1600-h/satire_outrage.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-SMA45UwcQ5lzQK-mUGt4skSFxQZ2k-VKetR5tXrtvrPxfBbzLdV6gU5fWfGF3VPfoalym_O-yHd_-B48dJsGLRRBVj7_Mqt-YAzoVD9aMwm0OSPeXgcxAtVfIOtiS-iQML-GcWI6ZY0/s320/satire_outrage.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5047328747010550978" border="0" /></a><br /><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">In a moment that shocked Japanese and Western audiences last night, an Australian commentator pronounced the name of a Japanese athlete competing in the FINA World Swimming Championships correctly.<br /><br />The World Championships in Melbourne’s Rod Laver Arena – why have them in an already built swimming pool when we can waste lots of money building a pool in a tennis stadium? – rose in uproar when the Japanese swimmer Tim Kanda had his name read out properly. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">The commentator, Keiko Suzuki, regrets the move fiercely, "I'd just like the opportunity to say how sorry I am - sorry that I pronounced the name correctly. It just accidentally came out - 'Tim'. It was very hard (to mispronounce) so I am generally very disappointed that Channel Nine forced me to read that line".<br /><!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br /><!--[endif]--></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Channel Nine “Still the One” insiders revealed late last night, at approximately 9:12:01pm, that the mistake was caused by a teleprompter error, and won’t happen again. K Suzuki will be brought before an inquiry into the scandal later this month, and faces twenty hours of mispronunciation lessons. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Distinguished commentator Ray Warren proffered last night (not yesterday) that it was an amateur mistake, and that he should have been covering that swimming heat instead. “Suezookey clearly does not have the experience with Japanese names that I have after attending the Fu-coke-a Swimming Championships late last year”.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><br />However, this horrific event has brought to light the anguish Japanese people face when watching their own species compete in Australia. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Many Japanese viewers have become angry over such outrageous statements as “nuck-a-myoora” and “ta-car-kawaa”, coming to the abrupt conclusion that Australians ‘did not seem to be of high knowledge in regards to utilising their voices most best to pronounce Japanese names’. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">A source, who did wish to be named, exclusively interviewed under Freedom of Interview laws proclaimed by the Satire for the Satire, stated that Australians were ignorant when it came to any culture and language other than their own, and should ‘go back to their home, gringos’. Logic appearing not to be the interviewee’s strong point, as Australians – funnily enough – live in Australia, and are already ‘home’.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Additionally, the similarity in this statement to Fidel Castro’s over-publicised speech directed at George DW Bush is being questioned, although quite frankly, the Satire couldn’t be bothered checking its sources, (and doesn’t need to under Freedom of Checking its Sources Laws introduced (late) last year, by the Satire)</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">The source even went as far to say that we Australians ‘have no language’ ,the deepest insult possible in Japanese, professional linguists close to the Satire informed us late yesterday, possibly verging on last night. We assure you that we will not hesitate to contradict our own view in our next article on this matter, so look for our next article to not confirm the validity of this insult.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">In response to these deep insults, Foreign Minister Alexander Downer replied with “yeah, well, at least we’re not killing whales and harvesting them in toe-kii-yo”. He continued, exclusively, “and don’t even START me on the key-yo-toe agreement, just cos youz guyz want to sign some agreement, doesn’t mean we have to do everything you say – you're not the US.” – from an email from the Minister, late last night.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Kevin Rudd was quick to highlight the Japanese PM “Shin-sow Arbey” ’s reluctance to apologise, a matter Australia takes very seriously, as our Prime Minister Johnny Howard suffers from the same medical condition. Kev R took the opportunity to pass on his best wishes to Johnny H, and hopes he gets better soon (but preferably not before the federal election, if he wouldn’t mind).</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">The Satire</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0