NEWSFLASH: Supermarkets Exist to Make Money

In a startling insight into the Australian Grocery Industry, The Satire has revealed some startling insights into this startling drama, that startled The Satire.

How The Satire broke the story earlier today (then reprinted it as a source for another story to give both stories more credibility by referencing each other):

Key players in the grocery industry today revealed information the ACCC has failed to find after investigating for a staggering 150 days (or a few months if you want a more neutral, not-blown-out-of-proportion figure).

Despite not coming up with anything conclusive about the alleged "evil" practices of the "Big Two" supermarkets Coles and Woolworths, exclusive anonymous sources from the retail sector have exclusively given The Satire information that we will now exclusively reveal to readers.

An interview with Mr X (did you know that's how journalists get quotes and information from sources?) yesterday by The Satire (did you know that's the name of this newspaper, where this article appears in?) confirmed the fears of many Australian shoppers.

Cunning practices such as the price of milk increasing 30 per cent in a month, or HomeBrand Wheat Bran increasing from 34c to 37c over an eight-week period, have finally been linked to the "obvious" practice of profit-seeking, Mr X claims.

"Isn't it clear to everyone? Prices have increased because supermarkets want to make money. When things become more expensive, supermarkets rise prices to compensate," Mr X said.

But one shopper, Tyra-Jade Lee, said that this didn't explain why some products had such a high mark-up.

"But, like, when I go to buy, like, milk, it cost (sic) me $3.00 for a 2L carton of Light Start and now it costed (sic) me $4.70!" Ms Lee exclaimed when we spoke to her on the street the other day when scrambling around for a quote from an "expert".

Mr X said these claims only support his evidence.

"Supermarkets place massive mark-ups on products such as 1KG cheese or Vegemite because they know people will be stupid enough to buy it, which will result in larger sales," Mr X exclusively said during an exclusive interview late yesterday afternoon.

"Just like cigarettes, but nobody ever complains about the price of those!"



HAVE YOUR SAY in our poll* below:

- Do you believe it is unrealistic in the current dire global economic crisis a company should charge more so it doesn't go bankrupt?
- Or would you prefer to never be able to buy groceries any more?

*Disclaimer: This poll contains loaded questions that will give results favouring our biased point of view (because we are telling you how to think) and will only be answered by about 200 people, which we will then lead you to believe is representative of Australia.

Coles to roll out new branding scheme

In a recent move to increase sales, Coles Supermarkets has decided to produce additional home brands. The new brands, "You'll definitely love Coles", "We're sure you'll love coles" and "Coles-Savings-Farmland-Smart Buys" will hit stores early next week.

Currently Coles offers shoppers the choice of Coles, Coles Farmland, Farmland, Farmland Coles, Coles Persona, Savings, Coles Savings, Smart Buys, Coles Smart Buys, Bi-Lo, and most importantly You'll Love Coles.

The new branding system is reportedly designed for overall ease of consumer understanding and knowledge. Coles Group CEO John Fletcher commented late last night that "It's about simplifying our brand by creating a diversity of brandings. It's really that simple."

The new variations on the "you'll love coles" theme will help streamline consumer awareness. Consumers will be able to understand just how much they will enjoy the product they are purchasing.

Keith, father of two, says "I just love Coles chocolate cookies - they're rich and choco-licious", and Ben, full of beans, comments that "Coles baked beans make me go go go - they're bean-riffic!". If these comments - from obviously credible sources - are anything to go by, these new Coles products are destined to be successful.

Coles opposition leader Mr Wool Worths stated early last morning that "this is simply an attempt by Coles to undermine and copy Woolworths' products" and that "the products are clearly a copy of our 'Select' brand."

Mr Imakeatoomuch Money from the ACCC (Aus Coles Consumer Consultation) group said that the public had responded positively to Coles' last re-branding scheme of simply changing the packaging of products and increasing the price. "Being able to pay $3.79 and read an assessment by an authoritative figure for a product instead of paying $1.50 for exactly the same product in a different packet is definitely an advantage," Mr Money said.

IGA Managing Director Mr Ova Charge was outraged over the increase in prices, alleging that Coles must be paying people to say positive things about their products, and that this is why they (the new brands) are more expensive. "They are using pay-offs to generate positive publicity!" Mr Charge exclaimed.

Mr Fletcher rejected this claim, stating that people freely offer their opinions on their products, and that Coles selects the best comments for publishing on its product labels. "Mention 'love' or 'coles' in your description and your halfway there!" Mr Fletcher joked.

Despite differing opinions on the new product brands, Coles is certainly striving to Love Fresh (despite grammatical issues with this slogan that contains no object or subject) with its Innovative Relabelling Scheme (IRS). Will the IRS succeed? Find out next time on Inside Shopper.

The Satire, Mother of Two and Yogurt Fanatic

Inside Shopper: Is Helga's Traditional Wholemeal Bread Really Traditional?

A recent study has shown that Helga’s Traditional Wholemeal Bread (TWB) is not actually traditional. Shoppers are dismayed that they could be so blatantly lied to and are demanding compensation from Helga’s.

The report, not gained under Freedom of Information laws, and rather by Invasion of Privacy laws, states that on average Helga’s TWB only contains 0.1% ‘Tradition’.

Helga’s in retaliation stated that the ‘tradition’ food additive #921, in fact, did not appear anywhere in the ingredients list, so they insist they never made a false claim that Helga’s bread contained ‘tradition’.

‘It’s merely a market trend,’ commented Helga Horace, CEO of Helga’s Bread (owned by News Ltd), that ‘increases sales revenue as stupid consumers buy bread if it has the word traditional in the title’. ‘It’s not our mistake, it’s the consumers’.

So, how safe is bread? Is there a militant operative waiting inside an ordinary loaf to attack unsuspecting consumers, or is just nonsense resulting from an increased fear of terrorist attacks? We turn to the Australian Bread Corporation (ABC) for answers in an exclusive interview late last yesterday night:

Satire: What is the ABC’s position on the Helga’s Scandal?

ABC: Look, I don’t think that’s the question you should be asking me. We at the ABC believe in Freedom of Bread, and choose to follow the Yeast Agreement. These documents state that no bread, or bread producer – referred to as a ‘baker’ by us professionals – can come under scrutiny for falsifying ingredients in bread.

Satire: So what is the ABC’s position on the Helga’s Scandal?

ABC: In a recent study by MightySoft (~White is Mighty Soft~), it has revealed that overall consumer satisfaction in bread is currently at 102.3%, out of a maximum of 102.31%, which we think is pretty extraordinary.

Satire: What are the ABC’s views on the Helga’s scandal?

ABC: ~Mmm mmmm Molenburg~

Satire: What are the ABC’s views on the Helga’s scandal…
(for a full copy of this interview text ‘helga’ to 193 193 193)

Helga’s will re-label its bread “Helga’s Not-Necessarily-Traditional Wholemeal Bread" towards the end of next week. ‘Sheesh!’ a Helga’s staff member exclaimed, ‘next they’ll be after us for putting ‘whole’ in the title’.

Helga’s Not-Necessarily-Traditional Wholemeal Bread is available from all ABC shops, ABC centres, and ABC retailers.

Tomorrow on Inside Shopper: Facing Up – How Supermarkets Trick Us into Thinking Their Shelves are Full – and how you can avoid it.

And tune in to Inside Shopper on Sunday for: Why buy Homebrands when you can buy Mansionbrands?

Exclusive: Briney Grief Swamps Locals

Locals have become disheartened after a local Bi-Lo store removed their sardines from its shelves. The 'dines of the sar' variety, that used to only cost 26 cents, have been replaced by the funky new "You'll Love Coles" sardines, in a trend that will boost sales by $250m*.
*More details in our "Financial Fiasco's" on Saturday, enabled by Freedom of Saturday Laws.

"They just don't have the same flavour," local resident Manuella DaVinci commented. "I've been buying them for fifteen years, despite only living in Australia for two, and will sorely miss those salty sea creatures." (alliteration added by the Satire for better affect)

Australia's own Adelaide-residing Chong Liew (with his very traditional Australian name) however, rejects claims that the Bi-Lo Brand Sardines held any value. "Mmm, yes. Quite a spot of nothing, really" he mumbled in his old Victorian accent.

Controversy has surrounded whether Mario, keen fisherman, 's statement "Superbly fresh and vibrant" holds any validity. Luckily, the Satire has unveiled an exclusive new column that will review foods that can be eaten at your own home (yes, indeed) in our special T'riffic Tuesday Edition - look out for a personal review of the sardines by Tony Lurv on Tuesday.

You'll Love Coles! Sardines are currently available at all leading WoolWorths stores for 47 cents, but Coles would like to reiterate that Coles is NOT more expensive than Bi-Lo. It just seems that way. "And in any case, if Coles products do have a slight difference in price it allows us to place value-added words in front of everything".

Tomorrow in Inside Shopper: Is Helga's Traditional Wholemeal Bread Really Traditional?