NEWSFLASH: Supermarkets Exist to Make Money

In a startling insight into the Australian Grocery Industry, The Satire has revealed some startling insights into this startling drama, that startled The Satire.

How The Satire broke the story earlier today (then reprinted it as a source for another story to give both stories more credibility by referencing each other):

Key players in the grocery industry today revealed information the ACCC has failed to find after investigating for a staggering 150 days (or a few months if you want a more neutral, not-blown-out-of-proportion figure).

Despite not coming up with anything conclusive about the alleged "evil" practices of the "Big Two" supermarkets Coles and Woolworths, exclusive anonymous sources from the retail sector have exclusively given The Satire information that we will now exclusively reveal to readers.

An interview with Mr X (did you know that's how journalists get quotes and information from sources?) yesterday by The Satire (did you know that's the name of this newspaper, where this article appears in?) confirmed the fears of many Australian shoppers.

Cunning practices such as the price of milk increasing 30 per cent in a month, or HomeBrand Wheat Bran increasing from 34c to 37c over an eight-week period, have finally been linked to the "obvious" practice of profit-seeking, Mr X claims.

"Isn't it clear to everyone? Prices have increased because supermarkets want to make money. When things become more expensive, supermarkets rise prices to compensate," Mr X said.

But one shopper, Tyra-Jade Lee, said that this didn't explain why some products had such a high mark-up.

"But, like, when I go to buy, like, milk, it cost (sic) me $3.00 for a 2L carton of Light Start and now it costed (sic) me $4.70!" Ms Lee exclaimed when we spoke to her on the street the other day when scrambling around for a quote from an "expert".

Mr X said these claims only support his evidence.

"Supermarkets place massive mark-ups on products such as 1KG cheese or Vegemite because they know people will be stupid enough to buy it, which will result in larger sales," Mr X exclusively said during an exclusive interview late yesterday afternoon.

"Just like cigarettes, but nobody ever complains about the price of those!"



HAVE YOUR SAY in our poll* below:

- Do you believe it is unrealistic in the current dire global economic crisis a company should charge more so it doesn't go bankrupt?
- Or would you prefer to never be able to buy groceries any more?

*Disclaimer: This poll contains loaded questions that will give results favouring our biased point of view (because we are telling you how to think) and will only be answered by about 200 people, which we will then lead you to believe is representative of Australia.

Mr Adventure #2: with the Go-Footy Guy

So I was out at Priceline the other day, right, and a terrifying ordeal occurred. Youse guys can probs relate. After a quick impulse buy in the "family planning" aisle (it's hard to find the XLs), I was shocked to discover my fave hair gel was not there. I asked the chick at the counter (and got her number of course fellas) and she said they "might" be in next week. Next week? NEXT WEEK??? How could I survive a WHOLE week without wearing 10kg of gel everyday?

Then I discover there's no peroxide. OMG to the max. I seriously considered not goin' to footy practice. All the guys would just laugh at me, turning up in my brown coloured, dry, flat hair. I tried to explain this to girl, and suggested we discuss it later over a Corona at Boho. She accepted, of course. But I digress. So, after the hair "incident", I headed over to the mall to buy a pink tee for me mates 21st. Luckily, success at the clothes rack kind of made me forget about my earlier issues. There it was. The perfect pink tee, complete with random writing, for just $500. I mean, why not? It's how much I spend on my hair every month...

REVIEW: the All-New 6WD

Ever wondered what it would be like to once again be better than "the commoners"? Do you often feel like you should have a bigger, stronger, more important presence on the roads? Are there times when you wish you could tow your boat AND your caravan to your Gold Coast penthouse while dropping Bella and Octavius at school?

Well. Say 'konnichiwa' to the 6WD. That's right folks. 6. Wheel. Drive.

More power, agility, and breadth than a 4WD. With all-new "ViewObstruct VR2" technology this car has something for everyone. Popping down to the shops just round the corner? Why walk when you could now take up three carparks with just the one car? Talk about value and efficiency.

And at a premium price of $1m, there's sure to be not too many other 6WDs on the road to get in your way. With a record-breaking 342 drink holders and ten flat-screen, surround sound TVs, what's not to love?

6WD...Watch out kiddies.

REVIEW: The Caterwalling Diva "Spirit"

At last, a singer of such outstanding ability to match Mariah Carey's interesting interpretation of singing. The music industry has long awaited another reality-show export to saturate the world with their songs steeped in the honey that is sweet sweet commercialism.

Of course, I am talking about none other than Leona "will she be more than a two-hit wonder?" Lewis. With a name that sounds more like an Icelandic skeetshooter than a British singer, Ms Lewis has probably broken many windows with her impeccable vocal range. A sing-off between Lewis and Carey could certainly reach nuclear levels.

On the face of it, Spirit is just another commercially-produced, emotionless whine, but when you (or if you can last) peeling through the many "deep" layers of Lewis, you may find some interesting melodies, or at least "caramel notes". Alternatively, if "smooth, fruity notes
are more your thang, save yourself some time and buy some beer instead.

Mr Adventure with the Go(nad) Guy #1: Girls and stuff

All guys will agree with me on this one. How many of you have tried to check yourself out in the reflection of a pub window, only to be interrupted by some girl trying to get your attention? Girls, thanks for trying, but we are more interested in ourselves. This should be clear to you after reading my column, and meeting numerous guys like me out on the town.

Okay, here’s a scenario that I’m sure most well-groomed and self-obsessed men will relate to – you have just got your drink from the bar, an expensive import such as Corona if you are a real man, and you saunter (not walk, real men don’t just ‘walk’) over to a suitable window perch, preparing for an enjoyable night of reflection checking and laughing at the appropriate moments with your like-minded mates. Then (here’s where the ladies need to pay attention), a couple of girls will approach us. I don’t blame them, I’m a very attractive male specimen. They will proceed to strike up a conversation, saying something clearly uninteresting such as “I noticed you from across the bar, want to dance?” or, the instant turn-off for me “I think you’re gorgeous, come and make out with me around the corner”.

Why girls why?!? Can’t you see I’m enjoying some time by myself? Why come over to me and dangle the prospect of a relationship? This is not something that any real man wants! Honestly, I don’t mean to offend, but what real man would be attracted to a woman who wants to spend quality time with, which would clearly rob him of the opportunity to spend time out with his mates revelling in his own attractiveness?

NEXT WEEK – why ‘jock’ and ‘pretty boy’ are such misused and inaccurate descriptors.

Upcoming rapper bucks industry music video trend

In a daring and potentially career-ruining move, rapper/MC/hip-hop artist/singer No IQ has worn a shirt in one of his own music videos.

Often revered as a ‘daring’ or ‘cavalier’ artist, No IQ has undoubtedly taken the biggest risk of his short, but successful career.

No African-American rapper has ever worn a shirt in a film clip before. MTV spokesman Jim Friedman confirmed this yesterday noon before yesterday afternoon

“Damn! No IQ man, I mean, he’s just…well, I mean, I think it’s pretty obvious to everyone except him that this has potentially ruined his career! I mean man, what was he thinking!?! No-one wears a shirt in a rap video!” Friedman said.

No IQ’s contemporaries also echoed Friedman’s comments.

50 Cent was overheard saying “What a fool! A cat knows shirtin’ in a shoot is bustin’ a cap in yo green!” (editor note: no-one actually quite knows what 50 Cent means, but his tone indicated he supported Friedman’s comments).

The Satire was lucky to catch up with Kanye West as he left the set of his new video (note: Mr West was not wearing a shirt). Mr West voiced his concern over the decline in the quality of rap videos

“Back a few years, every video clip had shirtless bros, clothes-less ho’s, mean looking cars,” Mr West said, shaking his head in disbelief (or it could be due to neck stress from wearing 15kg of gold chains around his neck)

”No IQ has just confirmed my worst fears, I knew this would happen one day!”

The Satire, along with Mr West, ponders the decline in rap video quality and wonders “what next?” – will the pop charts be flooded with artists such as Missy Higgins, Coldplay and the like stealing the spotlight from artists with actual talent, such as the Pussycat Dolls?

Face-up: How the Modern-day Supermarket is Misleading the Public

*Warning: This article contains a segue into blatant self-promotion of The Satire, by The Satire

Today an exclusive report by an industry insider, obtained by The Satire, has revealed just how sinister "super"markets truly are.

The Australian Face-Up Police (AFP) today sought to bring justice to the Coles-Woolworths duopoly by shedding light on what they referred to as "the most devious thing since coin-operated trolleys".

Dr Brenda Neilson, chairman of the AFP, said what they had uncovered was an "utterly disgraceful" practice she would seek to ban through a submission to the ACCC.

"Face-up", the traditional practice of pulling all products to the front of a shelf to make it look full, is performed by up to 80% of retailers, the AFP investigation revealed yesterday evening after being obtained by The Satire.

Dr Neilson said the impact on consumers was "just mindblowing".

"When I went around Australia asking working families about things, this was one of the key things they were, like, interested in?" Neilson said.

"They were particularly outraged when I told them about how the naughty supermarkets made their shelves appear full."

"One consumer likened it to ripping out his heart, then impaling it on a Welsh Sub-Prime Credit Crisis," an outraged Neilson said.

CEO of one of "The Big Two", Mr Wool Worths (of Woolworths), said it was a simple practice to make their shops "look nicer and junk".

Coles Community Liaison Officer, Chastity Bryce the 4th, was unavailable for comment, so we asked some lowly G-grade celebrity for comment:

"I just, like, really wanna like, just go to the shopz, and just, you know, buy some groceries?" 21-year-old Nail Technician and part-time Neighbours extra Leesa said.

Speaking of Leesa, which starts with an L, which is the 12th letter of the alphabet, which if you then divide by six to get the 2nd letter of the alphabet - B - is the first letter in the words BEIJING OLYMPICS!

TURN TO PAGE 4 FOR AN EXCLUSIVE 15-PAGE LIFTOUT ON THE 2008 OLYMPIC GAMES!