Friday 18 May 2007

Rolling News

Promoting Introducing The Satire's exclusive column, 'Rolling News': a snapshot of the news from around Australia!!!!

Footballer resists urge to brawl during an AFL match

BigBrother housemate asks "d'ya know what i mean?"

'Smoking kills': smoker

Kevin Rudd + Joe Hockey Sunrise single goes Platinum

Howard jealous of Rudd's dance with Kerri-Anne - Howard rearing up for the Can-Can next week

Outrage as shopper takes thirteen items through '12-items-or-less' lane

Is Yoghurt the new cocaine?

MySpace community shocked after member's page does not contain 'lol'

Consumers complain over extremely low prices for bananas and petrol

Supermarkets decide to sell everything free to stop customers whinging about the cost of groceries

No objections or criticisms voiced over new Government initiative

Labor MP responds to Howard's allegation that Labor is 'in cahoots' with the Unions: "Yeah...and?"

Cricketers realise that giving up part of their exorbitant salaries to not play in Zimbabwe is better than possibly giving up their life to play in Zimbabwe.

George Bush decides to follow Tony Blair's footsteps and retire, much to the dismay of international community

Australian journalist pronounces 'Kyoto Protocol' properly

Sandra Sully to host new reality show: 'How to speak as if reading the news whenever possible (HTSAIRTNWP for ease of use)'

Seven buys rights to new show 'Pretty Betty' before realising most of its shows are based on those principles anyway

American comedy 'My Name is Earl' puzzles viewers by not including canned laughter to indicate when to laugh...until noticing there are no places to laugh

Australian Idol sixth-place-runner-up releases bad single that manages to reach Platinum

Australian Idol winner writes own music and lyrics for all songs on their album

Darryl Sommers decides to talk half as much whilst hosting Dancing with the Stars

Big Brother 25 in production...

Kiefer Sutherland returns for a tenth heart-stopping, loud-panting sequel to 24

BBC to release new doco-drama on 14th Century English Medieval medium-sized Castle Moat Algae, a ten-part series hosted by David Attenborough

High quality Aussie soap star wins Gold Logie, Australia's 'most prestigious TV awards', and life goes on

Better Homes & Gardens presenter Rob cuts finger while sawing wood, Craft Specialist fetches him some material to stop the flow, Cook boils him up some chamomile tea which Gardner Graeme Ross has shown us how to grow, while Interior-Designer paints a room for Rob to rest in while he recovers

Food & Hospitality industry expert reveals : Food Presentation is all about how we present food

Disney produce film about a young character going through a ninety-minute journey that represents the 'trials and tribulations' of the everyday world

Today Tonight features life-changing material entitled 'Salt: A Special Report'

Coles stores to be rebranded as 'Buy-low' to increase profit
Coles stores to be rebranded as 'Coles: The Fresher Food People' to increase profit

Jessica Simpson still confused over tuna: 'so is it chicken or fish?'

Victoria to move to Category 438 water restrictions

Ansett decide to have a go at buying out Qantas

Popular bookshops such as Angus & Robertson and Borders rebel by deciding to price all their books below their RRP

Swimming commentator asks insightful question to gold medal winner: 'how do you feel?'

Dell manufactures a good computer

Football executives upset over poor crowd turnout: 'now our salary is only $5m a year'

The Satire

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