Inside Shopper: Is Helga's Traditional Wholemeal Bread Really Traditional?

A recent study has shown that Helga’s Traditional Wholemeal Bread (TWB) is not actually traditional. Shoppers are dismayed that they could be so blatantly lied to and are demanding compensation from Helga’s.

The report, not gained under Freedom of Information laws, and rather by Invasion of Privacy laws, states that on average Helga’s TWB only contains 0.1% ‘Tradition’.

Helga’s in retaliation stated that the ‘tradition’ food additive #921, in fact, did not appear anywhere in the ingredients list, so they insist they never made a false claim that Helga’s bread contained ‘tradition’.

‘It’s merely a market trend,’ commented Helga Horace, CEO of Helga’s Bread (owned by News Ltd), that ‘increases sales revenue as stupid consumers buy bread if it has the word traditional in the title’. ‘It’s not our mistake, it’s the consumers’.

So, how safe is bread? Is there a militant operative waiting inside an ordinary loaf to attack unsuspecting consumers, or is just nonsense resulting from an increased fear of terrorist attacks? We turn to the Australian Bread Corporation (ABC) for answers in an exclusive interview late last yesterday night:

Satire: What is the ABC’s position on the Helga’s Scandal?

ABC: Look, I don’t think that’s the question you should be asking me. We at the ABC believe in Freedom of Bread, and choose to follow the Yeast Agreement. These documents state that no bread, or bread producer – referred to as a ‘baker’ by us professionals – can come under scrutiny for falsifying ingredients in bread.

Satire: So what is the ABC’s position on the Helga’s Scandal?

ABC: In a recent study by MightySoft (~White is Mighty Soft~), it has revealed that overall consumer satisfaction in bread is currently at 102.3%, out of a maximum of 102.31%, which we think is pretty extraordinary.

Satire: What are the ABC’s views on the Helga’s scandal?

ABC: ~Mmm mmmm Molenburg~

Satire: What are the ABC’s views on the Helga’s scandal…
(for a full copy of this interview text ‘helga’ to 193 193 193)

Helga’s will re-label its bread “Helga’s Not-Necessarily-Traditional Wholemeal Bread" towards the end of next week. ‘Sheesh!’ a Helga’s staff member exclaimed, ‘next they’ll be after us for putting ‘whole’ in the title’.

Helga’s Not-Necessarily-Traditional Wholemeal Bread is available from all ABC shops, ABC centres, and ABC retailers.

Tomorrow on Inside Shopper: Facing Up – How Supermarkets Trick Us into Thinking Their Shelves are Full – and how you can avoid it.

And tune in to Inside Shopper on Sunday for: Why buy Homebrands when you can buy Mansionbrands?