There has been much controversy surrounding plans to build a massive 245-metre grandstand in the Adelaide Parklands, however as the Satire reveals, the media have only barely scratched the surface.
It seemed like an innocent plan at first, the Government wanting to replace an old, decrepit grandstand with a shiny new one. Then it was leaked, exclusively, in early stages of the initiative, that the Government was merely suggesting the plan to shift attention away from the North Terrace Tram fiasco.
The Key Players:
Mike Rann
‘I mean, why would we extend a tramline along the busiest streets in the Adelaide CBD? You wouldn’t, it’s a stupid idea. We just like to use lots of money to make it look like we’re doing something. That's why this new Grandstand thing is fantastic!’ SA Premier Mikey Rann said yesterday. Ranny-boy was also quick to state that the plan ‘does NOT have anything to do with the SAJC or the Clipsal car-thing that turns our city into a mess for a month’.
The South Australian Jockey Club
The SAJC, however, revealed that they play a part in the scheme. SAJC president Horace Horsham mentioned in a private press release that he had paid the Government ‘a significant amount of money’ to ensure that the club had lovely new facilities for their four races a year.
Clipsal 500 People
Feeling excluded, the Clipsal 500 race organisers declared that they too have invested to ensure that a permanent grandstand be built to ‘stop the unnecessary hassle of having to build temporary grandstands’ and ‘prevent road closures’ during the Clipsal 500.
Grant Denyer
Grant D, Channel Seven’s cheesy weather reporter and spokesman for any motor sport issue, was quick to point out that the permanent grandstand was a fantastic idea for South Australia, and would ‘certainly’ put Adelaide on the map. One Adelaide resident highlighted, exclusively, that ‘it is already on the map you idiot, and always has been’. Another keen anti-Clipsal source contradicted Denyer, saying that ‘thanks to the Clipsal, Adelaide is already on the map – as a town full of drunken yobbo’s’
Psychics Incorporated
In documents leaked to the Satire under the Leaking of Confidential Information Act, Mike R had commissioned a report by psychics to reveal what would be the future of Victoria Park to decide which way he would swing on the issue.
The psychics discovered that the race track will actually be built underneath the Racecourse and the Parklands to avoid any traffic issues, and to prevent people watching the race.
Psychics Inc. also stated that commercial media giant Foxtel would hold rights to the race to ensure that only a small number of Adelaideans had to suffer the angst of watching the races for four consecutive days.
Kevin Foley
Kevin F rejects claims that one grandstand for VIP’s along the finish line does not prevent the construction of many others along other sections of the track, and wishes the public would ‘mind their own business’. Foley released plans to the Satire, exclusively under the Releastion Laws and the Making-up New Words Amendment, that summarise his motion that the Clipsal 500 should be extended to four months to ensure adequate use of the Grandstand to justify its construction. He is currently stretching his thumbs, ready for another ‘thumbs-down’ posed photo late tomorrow.
Minister for Employment
The SA Shadow Minister for Employment complained that once the Grandstand was built, hundreds of workers would lose their three-month job a year of ‘erecting promptly and taking down really slowly’ the temporary grandstands. He rejects claims that the slow dismantling of the grandstands are simply a ploy to keep unemployment levels low, ‘there’s just no reason to take them down as quickly, it’s not as if the temporary grandstands are intrusive to the public’.
Adelaide Convention Centre
The ACC has been involved in the planning of the grandstand for some time, although the media have not been able to find the reasons for their involvement. Luckily, quality print media the Satire, can reveal that the ACC have in fact been helping to draw designs for an extension of their vast underground kitchen network to reach the proposed Grandstand from North Terrace. Transport MP Patrick Conlon also commented that this could be aided by the addition of an incredibly useful subway network linking North Terrace to the new ‘place-to-be’ Victoria Park.
AFL
The AFL has highlighted that if it so happens that the grandstand is incorporated into a new “Victoria Park Oval” to enable access for a wider community, then it would certainly back the proposal. Alternatively, if the Government refused to accept this proposal, the AFL said it would instead insist on a bullet-train installation from the Adelaide CBD to West Lakes Footy Park.
Eastern Suburbs Residents
‘The grandstand is an atrocity that will prevent us from viewing the magnificent vibrant Parklands from our three-story villas. If they’re going to eradicate the old grandstand, they might as well demolish the whole Racecourse to allow for a private tunnel connecting the Eastern Suburbs to the CBD’.
Lord Mayor Michael Harbison
‘What Grandstand?’
Clearly, the Grandstand issue is very controversial, and will continue to create a gigantic hullabaloo in Adelaide until they just build the bloody thing.
Next week in Hullabaloo: The Government Hiding Wheelie Bins in Speed Cameras, and how you can avoid them
No comments:
Post a Comment