Inside Shopper: Is Helga's Traditional Wholemeal Bread Really Traditional?

A recent study has shown that Helga’s Traditional Wholemeal Bread (TWB) is not actually traditional. Shoppers are dismayed that they could be so blatantly lied to and are demanding compensation from Helga’s.

The report, not gained under Freedom of Information laws, and rather by Invasion of Privacy laws, states that on average Helga’s TWB only contains 0.1% ‘Tradition’.

Helga’s in retaliation stated that the ‘tradition’ food additive #921, in fact, did not appear anywhere in the ingredients list, so they insist they never made a false claim that Helga’s bread contained ‘tradition’.

‘It’s merely a market trend,’ commented Helga Horace, CEO of Helga’s Bread (owned by News Ltd), that ‘increases sales revenue as stupid consumers buy bread if it has the word traditional in the title’. ‘It’s not our mistake, it’s the consumers’.

So, how safe is bread? Is there a militant operative waiting inside an ordinary loaf to attack unsuspecting consumers, or is just nonsense resulting from an increased fear of terrorist attacks? We turn to the Australian Bread Corporation (ABC) for answers in an exclusive interview late last yesterday night:

Satire: What is the ABC’s position on the Helga’s Scandal?

ABC: Look, I don’t think that’s the question you should be asking me. We at the ABC believe in Freedom of Bread, and choose to follow the Yeast Agreement. These documents state that no bread, or bread producer – referred to as a ‘baker’ by us professionals – can come under scrutiny for falsifying ingredients in bread.

Satire: So what is the ABC’s position on the Helga’s Scandal?

ABC: In a recent study by MightySoft (~White is Mighty Soft~), it has revealed that overall consumer satisfaction in bread is currently at 102.3%, out of a maximum of 102.31%, which we think is pretty extraordinary.

Satire: What are the ABC’s views on the Helga’s scandal?

ABC: ~Mmm mmmm Molenburg~

Satire: What are the ABC’s views on the Helga’s scandal…
(for a full copy of this interview text ‘helga’ to 193 193 193)

Helga’s will re-label its bread “Helga’s Not-Necessarily-Traditional Wholemeal Bread" towards the end of next week. ‘Sheesh!’ a Helga’s staff member exclaimed, ‘next they’ll be after us for putting ‘whole’ in the title’.

Helga’s Not-Necessarily-Traditional Wholemeal Bread is available from all ABC shops, ABC centres, and ABC retailers.

Tomorrow on Inside Shopper: Facing Up – How Supermarkets Trick Us into Thinking Their Shelves are Full – and how you can avoid it.

And tune in to Inside Shopper on Sunday for: Why buy Homebrands when you can buy Mansionbrands?

Hullabaloo: The Grandstand

Hullabaloo is a weekly column that examines the most recent uproar in South Australia. This week we focus on the Grandstand in Victoria Park.

There has been much controversy surrounding plans to build a massive 245-metre grandstand in the Adelaide Parklands, however as the Satire reveals, the media have only barely scratched the surface.

It seemed like an innocent plan at first, the Government wanting to replace an old, decrepit grandstand with a shiny new one. Then it was leaked, exclusively, in early stages of the initiative, that the Government was merely suggesting the plan to shift attention away from the North Terrace Tram fiasco.

The Key Players:

Mike Rann
‘I mean, why would we extend a tramline along the busiest streets in the Adelaide CBD? You wouldn’t, it’s a stupid idea. We just like to use lots of money to make it look like we’re doing something. That's why this new Grandstand thing is fantastic!’ SA Premier Mikey Rann said yesterday. Ranny-boy was also quick to state that the plan ‘does NOT have anything to do with the SAJC or the Clipsal car-thing that turns our city into a mess for a month’.

The South Australian Jockey Club
The SAJC, however, revealed that they play a part in the scheme. SAJC president Horace Horsham mentioned in a private press release that he had paid the Government ‘a significant amount of money’ to ensure that the club had lovely new facilities for their four races a year.

Clipsal 500 People
Feeling excluded, the Clipsal 500 race organisers declared that they too have invested to ensure that a permanent grandstand be built to ‘stop the unnecessary hassle of having to build temporary grandstands’ and ‘prevent road closures’ during the Clipsal 500.

Grant Denyer
Grant D, Channel Seven’s cheesy weather reporter and spokesman for any motor sport issue, was quick to point out that the permanent grandstand was a fantastic idea for South Australia, and would ‘certainly’ put Adelaide on the map. One Adelaide resident highlighted, exclusively, that ‘it is already on the map you idiot, and always has been’. Another keen anti-Clipsal source contradicted Denyer, saying that ‘thanks to the Clipsal, Adelaide is already on the map – as a town full of drunken yobbo’s’

Psychics Incorporated
In documents leaked to the Satire under the Leaking of Confidential Information Act, Mike R had commissioned a report by psychics to reveal what would be the future of Victoria Park to decide which way he would swing on the issue.

The psychics discovered that the race track will actually be built underneath the Racecourse and the Parklands to avoid any traffic issues, and to prevent people watching the race.

Psychics Inc. also stated that commercial media giant Foxtel would hold rights to the race to ensure that only a small number of Adelaideans had to suffer the angst of watching the races for four consecutive days.

Kevin Foley
Kevin F rejects claims that one grandstand for VIP’s along the finish line does not prevent the construction of many others along other sections of the track, and wishes the public would ‘mind their own business’. Foley released plans to the Satire, exclusively under the Releastion Laws and the Making-up New Words Amendment, that summarise his motion that the Clipsal 500 should be extended to four months to ensure adequate use of the Grandstand to justify its construction. He is currently stretching his thumbs, ready for another ‘thumbs-down’ posed photo late tomorrow.

Minister for Employment
The SA Shadow Minister for Employment complained that once the Grandstand was built, hundreds of workers would lose their three-month job a year of ‘erecting promptly and taking down really slowly’ the temporary grandstands. He rejects claims that the slow dismantling of the grandstands are simply a ploy to keep unemployment levels low, ‘there’s just no reason to take them down as quickly, it’s not as if the temporary grandstands are intrusive to the public’.

Adelaide Convention Centre
The ACC has been involved in the planning of the grandstand for some time, although the media have not been able to find the reasons for their involvement. Luckily, quality print media the Satire, can reveal that the ACC have in fact been helping to draw designs for an extension of their vast underground kitchen network to reach the proposed Grandstand from North Terrace. Transport MP Patrick Conlon also commented that this could be aided by the addition of an incredibly useful subway network linking North Terrace to the new ‘place-to-be’ Victoria Park.

AFL
The AFL has highlighted that if it so happens that the grandstand is incorporated into a new “Victoria Park Oval” to enable access for a wider community, then it would certainly back the proposal. Alternatively, if the Government refused to accept this proposal, the AFL said it would instead insist on a bullet-train installation from the Adelaide CBD to West Lakes Footy Park.

Eastern Suburbs Residents
‘The grandstand is an atrocity that will prevent us from viewing the magnificent vibrant Parklands from our three-story villas. If they’re going to eradicate the old grandstand, they might as well demolish the whole Racecourse to allow for a private tunnel connecting the Eastern Suburbs to the CBD’.

Lord Mayor Michael Harbison
‘What Grandstand?’

Clearly, the Grandstand issue is very controversial, and will continue to create a gigantic hullabaloo in Adelaide until they just build the bloody thing.

Next week in Hullabaloo: The Government Hiding Wheelie Bins in Speed Cameras, and how you can avoid them

Exclusive: Briney Grief Swamps Locals

Locals have become disheartened after a local Bi-Lo store removed their sardines from its shelves. The 'dines of the sar' variety, that used to only cost 26 cents, have been replaced by the funky new "You'll Love Coles" sardines, in a trend that will boost sales by $250m*.
*More details in our "Financial Fiasco's" on Saturday, enabled by Freedom of Saturday Laws.

"They just don't have the same flavour," local resident Manuella DaVinci commented. "I've been buying them for fifteen years, despite only living in Australia for two, and will sorely miss those salty sea creatures." (alliteration added by the Satire for better affect)

Australia's own Adelaide-residing Chong Liew (with his very traditional Australian name) however, rejects claims that the Bi-Lo Brand Sardines held any value. "Mmm, yes. Quite a spot of nothing, really" he mumbled in his old Victorian accent.

Controversy has surrounded whether Mario, keen fisherman, 's statement "Superbly fresh and vibrant" holds any validity. Luckily, the Satire has unveiled an exclusive new column that will review foods that can be eaten at your own home (yes, indeed) in our special T'riffic Tuesday Edition - look out for a personal review of the sardines by Tony Lurv on Tuesday.

You'll Love Coles! Sardines are currently available at all leading WoolWorths stores for 47 cents, but Coles would like to reiterate that Coles is NOT more expensive than Bi-Lo. It just seems that way. "And in any case, if Coles products do have a slight difference in price it allows us to place value-added words in front of everything".

Tomorrow in Inside Shopper: Is Helga's Traditional Wholemeal Bread Really Traditional?

Aussie commentator pronounces Japanese name correctly

In a moment that shocked Japanese and Western audiences last night, an Australian commentator pronounced the name of a Japanese athlete competing in the FINA World Swimming Championships correctly.

The World Championships in Melbourne’s Rod Laver Arena – why have them in an already built swimming pool when we can waste lots of money building a pool in a tennis stadium? – rose in uproar when the Japanese swimmer Tim Kanda had his name read out properly.

The commentator, Keiko Suzuki, regrets the move fiercely, "I'd just like the opportunity to say how sorry I am - sorry that I pronounced the name correctly. It just accidentally came out - 'Tim'. It was very hard (to mispronounce) so I am generally very disappointed that Channel Nine forced me to read that line".

Channel Nine “Still the One” insiders revealed late last night, at approximately 9:12:01pm, that the mistake was caused by a teleprompter error, and won’t happen again. K Suzuki will be brought before an inquiry into the scandal later this month, and faces twenty hours of mispronunciation lessons.

Distinguished commentator Ray Warren proffered last night (not yesterday) that it was an amateur mistake, and that he should have been covering that swimming heat instead. “Suezookey clearly does not have the experience with Japanese names that I have after attending the Fu-coke-a Swimming Championships late last year”.

However, this horrific event has brought to light the anguish Japanese people face when watching their own species compete in Australia.

Many Japanese viewers have become angry over such outrageous statements as “nuck-a-myoora” and “ta-car-kawaa”, coming to the abrupt conclusion that Australians ‘did not seem to be of high knowledge in regards to utilising their voices most best to pronounce Japanese names’.

A source, who did wish to be named, exclusively interviewed under Freedom of Interview laws proclaimed by the Satire for the Satire, stated that Australians were ignorant when it came to any culture and language other than their own, and should ‘go back to their home, gringos’. Logic appearing not to be the interviewee’s strong point, as Australians – funnily enough – live in Australia, and are already ‘home’.

Additionally, the similarity in this statement to Fidel Castro’s over-publicised speech directed at George DW Bush is being questioned, although quite frankly, the Satire couldn’t be bothered checking its sources, (and doesn’t need to under Freedom of Checking its Sources Laws introduced (late) last year, by the Satire)

The source even went as far to say that we Australians ‘have no language’ ,the deepest insult possible in Japanese, professional linguists close to the Satire informed us late yesterday, possibly verging on last night. We assure you that we will not hesitate to contradict our own view in our next article on this matter, so look for our next article to not confirm the validity of this insult.

In response to these deep insults, Foreign Minister Alexander Downer replied with “yeah, well, at least we’re not killing whales and harvesting them in toe-kii-yo”. He continued, exclusively, “and don’t even START me on the key-yo-toe agreement, just cos youz guyz want to sign some agreement, doesn’t mean we have to do everything you say – you're not the US.” – from an email from the Minister, late last night.

Kevin Rudd was quick to highlight the Japanese PM “Shin-sow Arbey” ’s reluctance to apologise, a matter Australia takes very seriously, as our Prime Minister Johnny Howard suffers from the same medical condition. Kev R took the opportunity to pass on his best wishes to Johnny H, and hopes he gets better soon (but preferably not before the federal election, if he wouldn’t mind).

The Satire