In a moment that shocked Japanese and Western audiences last night, an Australian commentator pronounced the name of a Japanese athlete competing in the FINA World Swimming Championships correctly.
The World Championships in Melbourne’s Rod Laver Arena – why have them in an already built swimming pool when we can waste lots of money building a pool in a tennis stadium? – rose in uproar when the Japanese swimmer Tim Kanda had his name read out properly.
The commentator, Keiko Suzuki, regrets the move fiercely, "I'd just like the opportunity to say how sorry I am - sorry that I pronounced the name correctly. It just accidentally came out - 'Tim'. It was very hard (to mispronounce) so I am generally very disappointed that Channel Nine forced me to read that line".
Channel Nine “Still the One” insiders revealed late last night, at approximately 9:12:01pm, that the mistake was caused by a teleprompter error, and won’t happen again. K Suzuki will be brought before an inquiry into the scandal later this month, and faces twenty hours of mispronunciation lessons.
Distinguished commentator Ray Warren proffered last night (not yesterday) that it was an amateur mistake, and that he should have been covering that swimming heat instead. “Suezookey clearly does not have the experience with Japanese names that I have after attending the Fu-coke-a Swimming Championships late last year”.
However, this horrific event has brought to light the anguish Japanese people face when watching their own species compete in Australia.
Many Japanese viewers have become angry over such outrageous statements as “nuck-a-myoora” and “ta-car-kawaa”, coming to the abrupt conclusion that Australians ‘did not seem to be of high knowledge in regards to utilising their voices most best to pronounce Japanese names’.
A source, who did wish to be named, exclusively interviewed under Freedom of Interview laws proclaimed by the Satire for the Satire, stated that Australians were ignorant when it came to any culture and language other than their own, and should ‘go back to their home, gringos’. Logic appearing not to be the interviewee’s strong point, as Australians – funnily enough – live in Australia, and are already ‘home’.
Additionally, the similarity in this statement to Fidel Castro’s over-publicised speech directed at George DW Bush is being questioned, although quite frankly, the Satire couldn’t be bothered checking its sources, (and doesn’t need to under Freedom of Checking its Sources Laws introduced (late) last year, by the Satire)
The source even went as far to say that we Australians ‘have no language’ ,the deepest insult possible in Japanese, professional linguists close to the Satire informed us late yesterday, possibly verging on last night. We assure you that we will not hesitate to contradict our own view in our next article on this matter, so look for our next article to not confirm the validity of this insult.
In response to these deep insults, Foreign Minister Alexander Downer replied with “yeah, well, at least we’re not killing whales and harvesting them in toe-kii-yo”. He continued, exclusively, “and don’t even START me on the key-yo-toe agreement, just cos youz guyz want to sign some agreement, doesn’t mean we have to do everything you say – you're not the US.” – from an email from the Minister, late last night.
Kevin Rudd was quick to highlight the Japanese PM “Shin-sow Arbey” ’s reluctance to apologise, a matter Australia takes very seriously, as our Prime Minister Johnny Howard suffers from the same medical condition. Kev R took the opportunity to pass on his best wishes to Johnny H, and hopes he gets better soon (but preferably not before the federal election, if he wouldn’t mind).
The Satire
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