Face-up: How the Modern-day Supermarket is Misleading the Public

*Warning: This article contains a segue into blatant self-promotion of The Satire, by The Satire

Today an exclusive report by an industry insider, obtained by The Satire, has revealed just how sinister "super"markets truly are.

The Australian Face-Up Police (AFP) today sought to bring justice to the Coles-Woolworths duopoly by shedding light on what they referred to as "the most devious thing since coin-operated trolleys".

Dr Brenda Neilson, chairman of the AFP, said what they had uncovered was an "utterly disgraceful" practice she would seek to ban through a submission to the ACCC.

"Face-up", the traditional practice of pulling all products to the front of a shelf to make it look full, is performed by up to 80% of retailers, the AFP investigation revealed yesterday evening after being obtained by The Satire.

Dr Neilson said the impact on consumers was "just mindblowing".

"When I went around Australia asking working families about things, this was one of the key things they were, like, interested in?" Neilson said.

"They were particularly outraged when I told them about how the naughty supermarkets made their shelves appear full."

"One consumer likened it to ripping out his heart, then impaling it on a Welsh Sub-Prime Credit Crisis," an outraged Neilson said.

CEO of one of "The Big Two", Mr Wool Worths (of Woolworths), said it was a simple practice to make their shops "look nicer and junk".

Coles Community Liaison Officer, Chastity Bryce the 4th, was unavailable for comment, so we asked some lowly G-grade celebrity for comment:

"I just, like, really wanna like, just go to the shopz, and just, you know, buy some groceries?" 21-year-old Nail Technician and part-time Neighbours extra Leesa said.

Speaking of Leesa, which starts with an L, which is the 12th letter of the alphabet, which if you then divide by six to get the 2nd letter of the alphabet - B - is the first letter in the words BEIJING OLYMPICS!

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