Mr Adventure #2: with the Go-Footy Guy

So I was out at Priceline the other day, right, and a terrifying ordeal occurred. Youse guys can probs relate. After a quick impulse buy in the "family planning" aisle (it's hard to find the XLs), I was shocked to discover my fave hair gel was not there. I asked the chick at the counter (and got her number of course fellas) and she said they "might" be in next week. Next week? NEXT WEEK??? How could I survive a WHOLE week without wearing 10kg of gel everyday?

Then I discover there's no peroxide. OMG to the max. I seriously considered not goin' to footy practice. All the guys would just laugh at me, turning up in my brown coloured, dry, flat hair. I tried to explain this to girl, and suggested we discuss it later over a Corona at Boho. She accepted, of course. But I digress. So, after the hair "incident", I headed over to the mall to buy a pink tee for me mates 21st. Luckily, success at the clothes rack kind of made me forget about my earlier issues. There it was. The perfect pink tee, complete with random writing, for just $500. I mean, why not? It's how much I spend on my hair every month...

Mr Adventure with the Go(nad) Guy #1: Girls and stuff

All guys will agree with me on this one. How many of you have tried to check yourself out in the reflection of a pub window, only to be interrupted by some girl trying to get your attention? Girls, thanks for trying, but we are more interested in ourselves. This should be clear to you after reading my column, and meeting numerous guys like me out on the town.

Okay, here’s a scenario that I’m sure most well-groomed and self-obsessed men will relate to – you have just got your drink from the bar, an expensive import such as Corona if you are a real man, and you saunter (not walk, real men don’t just ‘walk’) over to a suitable window perch, preparing for an enjoyable night of reflection checking and laughing at the appropriate moments with your like-minded mates. Then (here’s where the ladies need to pay attention), a couple of girls will approach us. I don’t blame them, I’m a very attractive male specimen. They will proceed to strike up a conversation, saying something clearly uninteresting such as “I noticed you from across the bar, want to dance?” or, the instant turn-off for me “I think you’re gorgeous, come and make out with me around the corner”.

Why girls why?!? Can’t you see I’m enjoying some time by myself? Why come over to me and dangle the prospect of a relationship? This is not something that any real man wants! Honestly, I don’t mean to offend, but what real man would be attracted to a woman who wants to spend quality time with, which would clearly rob him of the opportunity to spend time out with his mates revelling in his own attractiveness?

NEXT WEEK – why ‘jock’ and ‘pretty boy’ are such misused and inaccurate descriptors.